Dog Who Cried Wolf

We are the new, proud owners of an adorable sheltie puppy. He's fluffy and sweet and, of course, has already cemented his position as one of the family.

 
But he's a baby. And babies have all kinds of needs. And one of those needs is potty training. Especially since I don't plan to invest in doggie "diapers". ( I think that would be carrying the "baby" analogy just a little too far.)

 
Potty training children is tricky enough. (Which is probably why there are an amazing number of books and magazine articles out there dedicated to the simple art of not making a mess on the middle of the kitchen floor. Or in ones pants.)

When my children were small these were the top three potty training philosophies:

The Zen Approach - "You just have to relax and let nature take its course. He'll learn when the time is right".

The Dictatorial Approach - "We're not moving from this spot until you use the potty!"

And, my personal favorite, the Payola Approach - "Mommy will give you a treat if you put something in the potty...." (This approach works best when delivered in a high pitched, cajoling tone of voice, but don't make the mistake of showing the treat before you get the desired action.)

Once they grasp the purpose of the bathroom, children seem to learn quickly that the magic words to escape any unwanted activity, be it grocery shopping, a family gathering or church, are "I have to go potty".

My children were particularly talented at finding the most inopportune "we need to get to a bathroom right now" moment. In the checkout line, during "Happy Birthday", in the middle of the  sermon, you name it.

But at least the kid can say he/she needs to go potty. Even if they cannot crank out the whole sentence they can usually at least say potty.

Dogs can only whine. Or bark. Or jump on you. You get the idea.

And the big problem is that there is really no way to tell the " I have to piddle" whining from the whine that says "gimme some of your food!" or "I want to go outside and harass wildlife. Or simply " I want to go outside and lie down in the grass".

So, as with the child in the grocery store, you drop whatever you are doing and take the puppy out to do his business. 

And he stands there and looks at you. "Hey, it's really great to be outside and everything, but what are we doing here?" his expression seems to say.

So you say, "Go Potty!" and then, when that doesn't work, you say it again. Louder. (Because we all know that incomprehensible instructions get  clearer the more loudly we say them.)

And, if you're lucky, the dog figures out you want him to do SOMETHING and so he starts walking around and sniffing.

And you think to yourself "Ha! I knew saying it louder would work!"

And then he takes off after the cat. And runs under the car. And chases a squirrel. And eats grass. And sniffs some more. And then sits down and looks at you again.

At this point you might then try that "zen" thing and find something useful to do in the garden while you wait for the puppy to eventually simply need to go.

When that doesn't work, you can segue into bribery. (I recommend a pocket full of cheese pieces or bacon bits.)

Although more than half the time the result will simply be that the puppy will spend another 20 minutes or so faking you out with more sniffing.

So you give it up and take him back in the house.

Where he promptly pees on the floor.

And then wags his tail at you and expects a treat.

Which, being a soft hearted idiot, you wind up giving him.

Which begs the question who exactly is training who.

Don't answer that.